Satire: Greg Zanetti Says Hello 

Republican gubernatorial candidate Greg Zanetti has a reputation of being long-winded, verbose, effusive, loquacious, palaverous, and occasionally even grandiloquent.

He’s ready to set the record straight. 

In an exclusive interview with The Conservative New Mexican, Zanetti was put to the test to see if he could check his Doogie Howser IQ and speak to the people on their level (and by their level we mean our level).

Without further ado, we bring you Greg Zanetti:

The Conservative New Mexican: “Greg, thank you for joining us. How are you?”

Zanetti: “Hey! Thanks for having me. As the ancient Greek philosopher Euripides once said, ‘Both to the rich and poor, wine is the happy antidote for sorrow, and by golly if the wine hath not overfloweth the cups of many a downtrodden soul of late, and I speak of course not only of the addicts of the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, but of the unfortunate souls shackled by the devastation of having a once hearty financial portfolio in this quickly declining economy. They say life becomes more meaningful when you realize you’ll never get the same moment twice, but for anyone with a dollar in the stock market right now, phew, not having to relive these market conditions is a blessing that outweighs the financial losses of yore, if you know what I mean.

“It reminds me of the first phase of the Archidamian War, where the promise of the Peace of Nicas proved…well…unpromising (chuckles at self) and if I may say so, rather unpeaceful (chuckles again). Anybody who’s paying attention can’t help but see the connection between modern fiscal policy and that failed military expedition of 415 BC in Sicily, properly referred to as the Decelean War, or Ionian War depending on your preferred academic vernacular. Even the least educated among us can see the overlap between the Athenian surrender in the Battle of Aegospotami. The only difference is we haven’t any Spartans to refuse the offer of our enslavement — financially speaking, of course.”

The Conservative New Mexican: “Oh. Of course. Eggo’s potami. That was a hellova battle.”

Zanetti: “Indeed, though nothing compares to the Battle of Châlons from 451 AD. Many a chortling know-it-all will claim military supremacy from the Battle of Metaurus in 207 BC, but in terms of overall strategy and sheer willpower, nothing from Carthage — even under Varus — compares to those effervescent Catalaunian Fields, if you know what I mean.”

The Conservative New Mexican: “Definitely know what you mean.”

Zanetti: “I knew you would. Awareness is the path to ephemeral marvel, as they say.”

The Conservative New Mexican: “Who says that?”

Zanetti: “Oh, probably the same people who say ‘freedom co-creates the mechanics of success’ or ‘the physical world manifests within total acceptance of ethereal acceptance.’ All important pearls of wisdom in this modern era of intellectual — but also moral and spiritual — unscrupulousness. 

The Conservative New Mexican: “Which brings us back to the question?”

Zanetti: “Remind me what the question was?”

The Conservative New Mexican: “How are you.

Zanetti: “Oh, of course! I’m good. How are you?”

The Conservative New Mexican: “That’s actually all we have time for.”

Categories: satire

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