In the latest episode of “American Politics Is A Trashcan Fire,” the assless Jew-ish Republican drag queen Wall Street gigolo millionaire who lied his way into a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives has now been accused of…sexual harassment.
Taking a side before all the facts come out is difficult but imperative. We are here to help.
On the one hand, we’re living in the “believe all women” era of socio-political psychopathy, and because gays are female adjacent, criticizing those with receptive non-heterosexual proclivities is strictly prohibited. Santos is also Hispanic. But because he’s a Republican (and Republicanism negates all claims of intersectionality) we therefore must assume any and all allegations of misconduct are reputable and accurate. Complicating matters more: Santos’ accuser is also a gay Republican.
On February 3, 2023, a just-hired staffer accused Santos of touching his groin. For the record, he did not say penis, baloney pony, dingle, jimmy or Johnson, nor meat or member, pecker, peter, pipe, or pork sword. He did not say Todger, tool, or trouser monkey. He said “groin.” We don’t know why he chose groin. We’re just reporting the facts.
The timeline of events, as told by Ohio reporter and one-time-Santos-staffer Derek Myers, is as follows:
On January 25, 2023, Santos asked a new staffer if he had a Grindr account, an online dating app for gay men Myers says is “widely-known as an LGBTQ+ social networking app” but which in reality is used for “sexual intercourse.” Later that day, the staffer was invited into Santos’ private office where he was called “Buddy” and invited to sit next to Santos on “a small sofa.”
If the Grindr inquiry, private office meeting, and pet name weren’t obvious enough hints that the Congressman was more interested in fellating than legislating, then the DC casting couch should have sent up a flag.
Apparently it did not.
“I proceeded to move forward with the discussion about the mail, but the Congressman stopped me by placing his hand on my left leg, near my knee saying ‘Hey buddy, we’re going to karaoke tonight. Would you like to go?’ “
—Request For Investigation Regarding Representative George Santos’ Sexual Harassment of a Volunteer-Staff, filed by Derek Myers, Feb. 3, 2023
“I kindly declined the invitation by telling the Congressman I was not a fan of clubs and bars and that I was not a good singer,” Myers allegedly said.
It’s at this point in the story when your gaydar might start lugging as the bullshit meter lights up. Nobody under 60 wants to discuss the mail. Mature adults without an abusive childhood or a drug addiction don’t do karaoke. And there’s a dude’s hand on your knee, but your response is: “Hee-hee, I’m like um totally not a good singer!”?
Santos, salivating all over the satin sofa, proceeds.
“The Congressman proceeded to take his hand and move it down my leg to my inner-thigh and proceeded to touch my groin. He then proceeded to look at me and say, ‘My husband is out of town if you want to come over’ and went on to tell me where the Congressman lived.”
In fairness to Santos, can you blame him? If your Grindr inquiry doesn’t cause pause, your summoning to the sexy sofa meets no rejection, your karaoke invitation is giggled off on account of poor vocals, and your hand on the knee lingers unabated, then down the leg to the inner thigh, still without resistance, until it reaches the “groin” — where it settles long enough to articulate not only an invitation but directions to your home — wouldn’t you be pretty confident that you’re about to put the “congress” in congressman? — or the congressman in the staffer, depending on this particular pairing’s presumptive penetrative partnering preferences?
The night’s homoerotic sexcapades seem certain.
But no. It’s at this point — after the hand has moved from knee to knob, after giving directions to his house — that the staffer finally “pushes the Congressman’s hand away.” He jumps off the couch, storms out of the room, and flails down the hallway to the Congressional Human Resources office, where he promptly files a sexual harassment claim.
JUST KIDDING.
Instead of knocking his attacker’s block off, grabbing him by the nuts and reciting a badass quote from Die Hard or 300! or Death Wish–or, you know, simply leaving, Myers “proceeds to discuss the topic of constituent correspondence.” When his employment offer is rescinded seven days later, well, that’s when he decides it’s time to complain.
We’re not blaming the victim here. Grabbing a man’s maypole is completely inappropriate, and the Speaker of the House seems to agree (“Republican Fabulist George Santos IS The Focus Of An Ethics Investigation,” NYBreaking.com, Feb. 7, 2023).
But…
Santos is a fraud, no sane person in America thinks otherwise, and even Myers acknowledges his boss’ sketchy history. Santos allegedly claimed his grandmother escaped the Holocaust, his colleagues died in the Pulse Night Club shooting, and his mom was killed on September 11 even though she didn’t meet her maker until succumbing to cancer fifteen years later. He’s a Disney Channel TV star, a Broadway producer, a Brazilian journalist (and executive), the target of an assassination attempt, and a Roman Catholic who’s also Jew-”ish”?
According to a report from New York Magazine’s Intelligencer, “The pretext for the firing was an incident last year in which Myers was charged with wiretapping in Ohio after publishing audio from courtroom testimony he received from a source.”
“Santos claimed this unusual criminal charge could get in the way of Myers’s role as an assistant. “It’s not concerning to us; it’s concerning to this institution,” Santos told him. Myers naturally found this insane considering Santos’s own criminal record and all the lies in his wake. “I’m thinking to myself, I’m a threat and concern to this institution?” Myers told TPM. “George Santos, you’re George Santos!”
–“Working for George Santos Is As Crazy As It Sounds,” Intelligencer, Feb. 3, 2023
What kind of person wakes up one day and decides their civic obligation to God and Country should start in the esteemed office of one George Anthony Devolder Fuckin’ Santos?
The conspiracy cadre of social media was quick to churn the rumor mill, claiming that the staffer is a plant put there by Democrat — or Republican? — lawmakers as the final nail in the rainbow-colored coffin of Santos’ short-lived congressional career.
It’s possible.
Democrats don’t miss an opportunity to smear a hypocrite across the aisle, and while lying to constituents in order to win an election is common practice in Washington, DC, unconsensual pickle petting is generally frowned upon — particularly for an alleged “member” of the family values party. It seems everyone has it out for boy George.
It’s hard to tell who’s gaming who. On the one hand, you have someone who signed on to work for an admitted fraudster, alleging untoward behavior days after the alleged assault and only after getting fired. On the other hand you have a portly twink who can’t seem make it a week in politics without tryin to fuck his staff, “allegedly”.
We’re not here to judge. We’re here to tell you that if you want to serve your country by glomming on to someone whose sole job is to fuck American taxpayers, don’t expect to be spared.
Categories: satire
The Conservative New Mexican 